


without fear in our minds

by second lancaster (neenlancaster)



Series: lost and found [1]
Category: Re-Animator (Movies)
Genre: Anyway yeah, Dan is very emotional someone please help him, Daniel Cain is hinted to have anxiety, I need to write a herbert focused one later, M/M, POV Daniel Cain, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, get that man a therapy session, in this house daniel cain is traumatised and that's that, like have you SEEN the shit he had to live through, they live together and shit, this is after the first movie btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:42:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26941585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neenlancaster/pseuds/second%20lancaster
Summary: After Miskatonic and Meg's passing, Dan finds comfort in unexpected places and grapples with doubt and the nature of his relationship with Herbert West, while still trying to come to terms with his feelings and grief.
Relationships: Daniel Cain/Herbert West
Series: lost and found [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1985252
Comments: 15
Kudos: 42





	without fear in our minds

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first ever Re-Animator work and I'm a bit scared to post it, quite honestly, because I don't feel like it's really that good, but since I spent time on it anyway, I might as well! I truly hope you enjoy it.
> 
> First, some warnings: I see their relationship as a deeply unbalanced one, and not really healthy, though it does offer a catharsis I think Dan needs/needed. So he will have conflicted feelings throughout this work about his relationship and a good chunk of survivor's guilt. I put this as a warning because Dan's mental health is fragile at best and their relationship is a bit questionable but nothing worse than what happens in the second movie, Stay safe!

Daniel Cain knew, maybe from the day that he saw Herbert with his cold, calculating gaze, that something was deeply wrong. When Meg found Rufus, that served only to add to the indescribable tension he felt regarding Herbert. Despite that, he stayed. He helped. As Herbert revived the dead, Dan stood by his side, and he could feel a knot in his stomach, a need to shout, to shake Herbert by the shoulders, to break the uneasy calm the other exuded. But he stayed.

Dan laid restless in his bed, Herbert’s calm breathing against his shoulder blades. It was raining outside, lightning and wind shaking the house from time to time. The sudden sound of a lightning strike made him flinch. Herbert gently pulled him closer, almost as if bothered by the movement. Dan tried to relax against the touch.

The problem wasn't that he didn’t feel safe, what bothered him was that he did. He knew the arms holding him had killed, mutilated and torn flesh. Despite that, he let himself be held, had Herbert hold his hand against his heart and whisper in his ear. He helped him guide a scalpel through tissue, dig a grave and drive home with dirt still under his fingernails. Between the cold of the night, much like the cold of the dead, and the warmth of life, stood Herbert. Dan closed his eyes.

The thing about West, though, was that he knew. He knew, despite appearing aloof and blind to other’s emotions, what Dan’s breaking point was. He walked the fine line separating forgiveness and grief, one that seemed to extend with time. A small part of Dan wondered how much he was able to forgive, to forget, to move past. And the truth was, he truly didn’t want to know. He didn't want to admit that seeing Herbert smile as his reagent worked made his heart flutter, or that he could excuse the murder and the blood if it meant he would have a routine and Herbert would be happy. Besides, without Herbert, what did he truly have left? Meg was gone. Everyone was. Everyone but Herbert.

It wasn’t like Dan hadn’t tried to leave. He had. At one point he had made his bags, put them in the trunk of his car, turned on the engine, and stood, frozen, until he felt his shoulders shaking and broken sobs leaving his throat. After turning the engine off, he saw Herbert staring at him from their front door, silent, eyes piercing in their cold judgement, almost hurt. Something in Dan’s chest curled in shame. Herbert spent the remainder of the day in the basement, cutting through flesh and deep to his elbows in guts, a permanent frown in his face. Dan tried to be invisible in his watching from his place at the steps of the stairs, not sure he could be alone after their silent argument. After his offense. He knew, realistically, that Herbert wasn't that furious with him. It still felt like he had betrayed Herbert somehow. Or himself. It felt too much like running away, refusing to come to terms with who he was, and by extension, denying coming to terms with what he felt about Herbert and the absence of the fear he should feel in his presence.

Dan wondered about the future, sometimes, and it usually made him feel like he was about to die. It hurt to realize, all over again, that he did have a future, and Meg didn't. He had to remember it was partially his fault she was gone in the first place. Herbert’s fault, his by proxy. He felt disgust when he looked in the mirror, anger at his reflection for daring to smile, to laugh, to be happy, and especially for not being able to imagine a life without Herbert. His life before Herbert.

He knew Herbert loved him, or at least came close to loving him. He saw it in the small gestures, in the rare kindness the other portrayed. He saw it when Herbert draped a blanket over him as Dan hyperventilated and froze. In how Herbert held his hand and rubbed circles in his back. Dan rarely cracked like this, rarely cried or showed fear, but he knew he could. He knew that he didn’t have anyone else, but neither did Herbert. Both alone without each other. Trapped in their own limited existence, surrounded by people that would never understand, people who had never seen what they had.

Dan knew he loved Herbert, too. He knew it despite his want to not recognize it. He knew it because despite justifying his stay as an escape from loneliness. He felt safe in Herbert’s arms. Dan had, consciously or not, given Herbert everything he had. From the day the scientist knocked on his door, he began his fall. It wasn’t that he depended on Herbert, but that he chose to depend on him. Herbert could, if he one day got fed up with Dan’s inconsistent moral dilemma, kill him in his sleep and revive him as an experiment. He could, but wouldn’t. It all revolved around the unspoken line, the compromise in their nature. It went against better judgement for Dan to stay, as did for Herbert. And yet.

The rain outside became less aggressive, and Dan felt himself slowly taken by the warm haze of sleep. His mind was quieter now, after turning over and over. Maybe he and Herbert were indeed monstrous. Maybe Meg should have survived instead of him. But right now he was alive, and he was safe.

Both him and Herbert were far from undisturbed people, but the truth is, Dan didn’t mind that what they did was questionable. He was tired of fighting himself, his own morality and trying to stick to this ideal future with a wife and a house with a cat. He wasn’t that person anymore, how could he be? And maybe that wasn’t so bad.

Dan felt it as everything faded into dreams and the soft rain was the only sound left.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading and if you could leave a kudo or a review, any type of feedback is super appreciated! The title of this work comes from Wasted Youth by Augustus Graves because I cry in the car to his music and it feels like a coping mechanism in the same way horror does for me, so cheers to that I guess huh.


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